The Blue Pill

Day 1:

I’m supposed to take these first thing in the morning. I’m never hungry till later, but not eating with these new capsules almost guarantees nausea, and, aren’t they supposed to make me feel better? The multiple trains of thought that consistently ebb throughout each day do well enough to make me so distracted I that often feel dizzy just from that. Well, mood journal, that’s what I feel even one hour after taking these: dizzy. Drug swirly. Not in the fun way.

Do I also feel muted? Or is that what I expect any sort of brain pill to do so I expect it? I want to still be me. Outgoing, fun me — is there a way to keep that sunbeam of a woman without also having to continue rolling around on the floors during the lows? Who says being even and steady is so great? My to-do list for one, the list that always gets added to (accomplishment!) and then forgotten (you’re crap!). Can I take my normal three advil for my period cramps on these meds? Or is it only one thing at a time? Why didn’t I ask more questions when I talked to the psychiatrist? Did I really feel the need to people please when talking to her — taking this huge step for my own health and I was worried about the right answer?! Fuck me.

I did notice that the multiple thought streams weren’t as prevalent on day 1, but overall I also felt slower. Or maybe a more quiet brain feels slow? That’s an interesting part of this — rewriting what I know as my daily “normal.” Something to talk about in therapy.

I napped twice during the day, which I never do, the tiredness was overwhelming. Kept it to 30 mins (sleep often easily turns into time rolling around in the entrails of depression and suddenly four hours have gone by). The emotional spikes also weren’t as bad, but is that because I knew they weren’t supposed to be? Or because I was focusing so much on noticing if anything happened that the normal emotional toils didn’t have time to claw their way up?

How much more of this navel gazing needs to happen to be able to simply live?